I had said that I wouldn’t be writing again this week unless something “spectacular” occurred. This was not spectacular so much as “noteworthy.”

Saturday night is the longest night of vomiting I’ve ever had. Ever. It’s not pretty, but there’s no other way to say it.

I wanted to die.

I really just hoped that either it would stop soon, or that I would hurry up and die. And it wasn’t even because of any fun cheating.

As y’all know, I was really struggling with the whole protein shake thing. They were really starting to make me nauseous. I went to the grocery store looking for some non-shake items to help me boost my protein numbers. I also went into GNC and basically said, “I can’t take this torture anymore.” and the nice lady hooked me up with some Gatorade-type beverages with 40 grams of protein. I came home prepared with my arsenal.

The other items are Kellogg’s Protein Water, Egg Beaters, and Greek Yogurt. I was ready. Ready to be pro-protein again and nail the (ridiculous) 82 gram requirement.

I started by trying all of the Gatorade-type flavors because if I liked any particular flavor, I could have gone back and bought cases of it for 30% off of the normal price. The problem was, all of these fruity beverages have the SAME SMELL as a protein shake. Some were tastier than others, but none were “tasty.” I gave up on these for now, they’re just taking up space in my fridge. That smell makes my nose curl and my stomach turn.

Egg Beaters. I microwaved some scrambled-style and did really well with these. (I think.) I ate one egg’s worth for 7 grams of protein. It took a lot of chewing, and at least 45 minutes, but (I think) Egg Beaters were a total success. (I think.)

Protein water is pretty awesome, but only has 5 grams of protein per drink. It still has a little bit of that protein smell/taste, but the pink lemonade one is very palatable. I wish it had more protein hidden in there, but then it would probably make my nose curl.

Greek Yogurt. I am so angry with you, Greek Yogurt. You came with such high recommendations. You were soft, required little to no chewing, and initially sat in my stomach very well. But then you took me for the ride of my life, Greek Yogurt, and I’m not sure we’ll ever be friends again.

Realistically, this whole thing is my fault. I did a few things wrong. I should not have tried eggs and yogurt in the same day. Lesson learned, only one new food-item per day from now on. Also, I didn’t take the sugar content of the yogurt into serious enough account. After years of not really thinking about sugar as much as calories, and not really knowing what “too much” would be…let me just tell you: 19 grams is too much flippin’ sugar.

I had the yogurt around 4pm. Around midnight I was (successfully) having a high protein shake without any nausea. About halfway through the shake things went downhill very quickly. I became extremely nauseous. By 1am I had thrown up everything my tiny stomach could possibly hold. I did not stop hurling until 7am. I am being this graphic because I am hoping that those who are still pre-op take this seriously. This was the sickest I’ve ever been, nausea-wise. I’ve had a few pretty serious nights of drinking, and I’ve never in my life clung to a toilet the way I did Saturday night.

The worst part was how quickly my stomach was empty. I felt better the first time I vomited and my stomach was empty. Later, when I felt the need to head back to the bathroom, and I was hurling, it felt like my entire self was trying to come out and just nothing but spit fell into the toilet, over and over and over, I knew I wouldn’t feel better again until I was completely out of the woods. There was nothing I could spit up, so I was at the mercy of whatever I was suffering from. There was nothing I could do. At one point I had some water, hoping to move along whatever was going on, but that came right up. This repeated itself for seven hours. I wouldn’t wish this misery on anyone. Maybe I should have gone to the ER, but I was alone and pretty sure I knew what was going on.

Sometime around 8am I felt the nausea subside and was laying in bed, and I felt my heart pounding. That’s when I knew, for sure, that this was Dumping Syndrome.

Honestly — it could have been the eggs. But I’m blaming the sugar in the yogurt. And myself. The part that really burns me up about it is that it wasn’t even like I was cheating. I was just trying to get in the damned protein required for me to stay healthy. I didn’t sneak a cookie. I didn’t have a bite of a candy bar. I had a yogurt with 14 grams of protein. Sigh.

So, Sunday I had a bottle of water and two sugar-free popsicles. Today I’ve started slow with some Carnation Instant Breakfast and I’m feeling much better. Back on the wagon tomorrow, I hope.

Dumping Syndrome Sucks. See you Friday.

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